Fear

I get quite a bit of inspiration from childrens movies…… I remember telling the good mental healthy guy I had in Yellowknife what I learned watching the Disney movie “Cars”.
This inspiration comes from “Rise of the Guardians”.

Randomly picking a movie on netflix recently around christmastime, I clicked on it.
Not necessarily a christmas movie, but Santa is a lead player – their version is pretty awesome…. it gave me some movie quotes to remember to use at work.
One of the big highlights was when the antagonist of the movie was trying to do his thing, but the young heros pointed out – they knew the boogie man existed, but they weren’t going to be afraid. Here is another bloggers thoughts about this quote.

There is a scenario that is also played out in the guy film “Wild Hogs“, when they realize that slapping the bull isn’t a drinking game. It is to make sure your life isn’t controlled by fear.

Cancer Fear

I do have a fear of recurrance. I would be stupid not to.
With 80% chance of tumour regrowth, I think I am less afraid of “if” it will grow back, vs the “when” it will grow back. Not knowing the timeline probably impacts me more.

The reality of it though – I think I accepted long ago – Cancer will forever make a point of fucking with my life now. I need to live without the fear of change, and those impacts. But, I am making my future plans based on the ability to react to the challenges that will be sudden surprise changes in the future.

Future Fear

The biggest fear for me, has been the future.
There are many things that are coming up that cause potential instability, in everything from finances to physical limitations. Not knowing the impacts of decisions has placed me in a bit of a paralysis. Fear of makin a decision, in case it isn’t the right one.

I have spent all my life making sure the future was solid. My military trade has no real civilian equivalent, so I always tried to figure out what skills could be of benefit – always trying to have a plan B available.
This constant requirement to have a backup plan/safety net has reached the end…. I can’t keep every option open, and now I find myself making the wrong decisions.

The reality is – I was making decisions that would keep the most doors/option open.
This caused me to delay making many decisions, if I have made them yet.
Which means I think some opportunities have passed us by.

What does this really mean?

So,
I have started making decisions that aren’t about having every possible option available.
I want to make more decisions that might not be the best for the 15 year plan (which puts me into my 60s), but what works best for the next 3-5 years.

Prime example – I was looking at the medical release options that included education funding. I had 4 courses of action mapped out, each with pros/cons, and staggered start times, and all the courses I could take.
The reality was – I don’t need to go to school to spend the insurance money, if I am not sure of the field I wish to pursue.

What will I do?
I will instead find some companies that might want/need an unpaid intern, in the field that I show some interest.
Then in 2023 – go to school on VAC funding to figure out how much work I want/need to do.

More about that in a future post. But, that decision (to not fill 30 months with school), has lifted a huge wieght from my shoulders, and my mental space.

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Thanks for following along as I take this journey. I don’t think anyone knows where things will end up.
I would like to encourage everyone to check out the following blogs –
The Stubborn Capricorn
David is still alive
Nancys Point

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Talk again soon